Parents
Parent newsletter
Past Articles
One parent’s story
By Deborah Diehl,
mother of Alexandra Hoffman ’06, Baltimore, Md.
As the parent of a junior at Reed, I believe my daughter and I have both adjusted well to
her being away from home and her return visits. Since Reed is 3,000 miles away from home, her
visits home are not frequent, but I try to visit Portland once or twice during the school year,
and she has returned home for the mid-year semester break, the entire first summer, and a weeklong
visit during the second summer.
Having a college student return home for a visit certainly presents challenges for both parent and child. Probably the most obvious change is that the student is used to much more freedom and little, if any, accountability to others than when she was a high-school student. And for the parent (at least in my case, as a single parent of an only child), I became used to a quiet, neat place of my own where no one criticized my grocery shopping habits or schedule. Her return for vacations—particularly the first few—led to issues resulting from both of these changes.
For example, if she was going out with old friends for an evening, I might ask what time she expected to be home, and she would bristle at the question. I was not suggesting that she needed to be home by a certain time, and I wasn’t even being nosy; I just wanted to know her expectations so I would know whether to plan a meal together or whether to worry if she was significantly later than expected. I believe she felt my question was an attempt to “treat her like a child,” perhaps a reaction based at least in part on a need to protect her newly found independence. I thought providing the information was common courtesy. My daughter and I are still working on this issue—but I try to be more oblique in getting this information, and perhaps the coming semester break will show progress on both our parts.
As to the second issue, I use several tactics—first, knowing they are temporary, I try not to let the laptop, handbag, book, knitting project, and dirty dishes left on the kitchen table bother me. Also, I don’t hesitate to nicely ask her to clean up. If I can, I make an effort to have foods she likes in the house when she returns, suggest she go to the store to buy some things she would like, or maybe even go shopping together. And knowing that she found my occasional workaholic habits frustrating, I make an effort to plan special time and activities together, especially early on in a visit.
Now the best part—I have found that my daughter and I get along much better since she left for college—we enjoy each other’s company more and have more fun together. One Christmas break, we stayed up very late, doing a puzzle and talking, something she would not have considered two years earlier. I think that this is based on a mutual respect and appreciation—on my part, a respect for her growing maturity and acceptance of her independence, and on her part, an appreciation for the emotional, financial and other support I have provided to her which she found difficult to recognize and appreciate before.
