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Home for the holidays
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Welcoming your Reedie home for vacations can be both challenging and joyful. “You’ve changed—so have those at home. Expect it, accept it, enjoy it, learn from it,” urges the bright pink flyer in the commons, placed by Reed’s student services office. “Going home is a transition—a period of adjustment—from one environment to another. Don’t expect everything to be perfect. … Those at home have to adjust, too. Even if they missed you. They have to get used to you again (and your blue/red/purple hair)!” That advice applies equally well to parents (well, maybe without the vivid haircolor). Some will see little change in their returning student, but many will be surprised at the growth they see—and with it may come some friction. |
Mark Hurvitz and
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Barre Stoll, a psychologist on Reed’s health services staff, often talks with students about their visit home. “We remind them that their parents won’t be as clued in to their growth as they are.” Parents are in touch with the kid that they sent off to college, she says, and may be surprised and ill-prepared for the maturity their students have gained in managing their lives, with new ways of thinking, in the choices they make.
Reed is a demanding, academically rigorous school, says Stoll. When they come home, “they may be exhausted, especially if this is their first year. If they’re lethargic, sleepy, that’s pretty normal. Give them lots of space. Don’t expect them to jump up and start a part-time job the minute they’re back.”
Stoll notes that it’s important to resist evaluating their academic performance, especially with first-year students. For the first time, they may get Cs or even a D. That doesn’t mean they are irresponsible. The student usually feels bad enough. They may not have been prepared for the rigors of Reed and are “figuring out how to do college,” how to manage the workflow. And for many, this is their first experience with forming good friendships or romantic relationships. The social growth is just as important to their development as their intellectual growth, and they need time to work out the balance, says Stoll.
When they come home, they are suddenly pulled out of their social network, she says. It’s not necessarily a reflection on you if they seem anxious to return to Reed. While they’re home, it helps to have activities and distractions available.
“We took walks and cooked together and loved every minute, except saying good-bye,” says Elaine Clough Colby of Evans, Wash., mother of sophomore Fawn Ward. “She also came home at Christmas and split her time among friends and family. I loved having her around but she got pretty bored and missed Portland. That was the last time she came home for so long.”
“It’s nice if they can set aside a special time, maybe cook a meal together,” says California senior Avigail Hurvitz-Prinz, noting that visits home were sometimes boring because her parents were working, and she doesn’t keep in touch with old friends much. “I didn’t have any particular difficulties going home. I had already pushed the limits, so I didn’t need to rebel. We all like Reed and have a shared system of values.” She noted that she often finds it difficult to talk with her parents and others about her experiences at Reed, and tends to “gloss over” challenges she may be having.
“The more respect the parent can show their student” the better, says psychologist Stoll. Their academic successes at Reed, the stresses they face, their ability to leave home and be independent—recognize these accomplishments and allow and encourage the emerging adult to grow and mature in their relationship with you, too, as they have been in these other areas while they have been away. Show a sincere interest, Stoll says. “A parent really wanting to listen can mean a lot.” Be non-judgmental, and try not to compare your student’s experiences with your own.
“You want your relationship to maintain and develop,” says Stoll. “They’re becoming an adult—they’re not your dependent anymore.” In negotiating their return, weigh what’s important for you and what the student can agree to. Negotiate and talk. Work out the concerns. Stoll recommends that the parent communicate with their student before the visit home—ask him to tell you how he thinks he’s changed. She says it can be helpful to rethink and reinvent some of the rules, roles, and expectations before the homecoming.
Some parents report an easy transition. “I suppose I made an effort to ‘spoil’ Byron this summer since I do not get to see him often,” reports Patty Davies from Georgia. “No unnecessary expectations or pressures were placed on him. As a result, he never felt the need to rebel. In fact, he was a great help to the family and made time from his activities to visit with relatives. He and his brother got along better than ever. I told him that I felt like his first year at college ‘flew by.’ But Byron said he felt that he had been away from home for five years!”
“Her first break in October she came home and I hadn’t seen her for two months. I was so relieved when she was exactly the same girl,” says Colby. “As far as conflict and issues, none whatsoever for us beyond encouraging her to make time for her family as she becomes an adult. I figure the time of asking her to accommodate my life is over, and we are now trying to mutually support each other in friendship.”
“Jonathan’s visits home were notable for the absence of ‘issues.’ He didn’t seem fundamentally changed, just a bit farther on the road to maturity that he was already treading when he left home for Reed, “ says Jack Owicki from Palo Alto, Calif.
Many students are unable to travel home as often as either they or their parents would wish due to financial constraints and the great distance involved. “Plan ahead to get the better rates” on flights, says Hurvitz-Prinz. Also, visiting your student at Reed is a great way to find out more about the person your child has become. “I want them to come here more often than they do,” she says. “I want them to see my life here.”
